Honestly, this is the question that keeps ringing in my ears after spending some time with my boyfriend. What the HELL are we doing? Well to recap a little I'll give you a tad bit of personal information for your reading pleasure.
To be honest me and lets call him Tony met in high school. I was the heartbreaker didn't want to be in love and would rather dream of having hot guys in college then settling down with my year younger boyfriend. Let's just say we parted ways in a harsh way. And of course he would come up every now and then we'd hangout hook up and part ways again yet he con't to love me.
So now we're back together and supposently happier then ever. Or so it seems.. I honestly don't even know whats' wrong with me.
Is there something in me that doesn't want to love again? After my last relationship I question every bit of love because I was suppose to be in love with him but now I HIGHLY doubt it was true deep Notebook his and her towels type of love.. although marriage did run across my mind and i thought he was the one... seriously....
anywho... i feel like me and Tony need couples counsling.. Yeah two twenty year olds are in need of some shrink telling me how bad i fucked him up (excuse my french) i just don't know what we're doing... are we just playing the roles of being perfect for eachother, really loving each other... or are we just smoothing over things for everyone to see but still in his heart did he really forgive me for breaking his heart? is he really ready to commit to me his sophomore year of college being a party promoter and inches away from a all women's sister school.. is he really ready to give that up for me? i don't feel good enough for him anymore.. i honestly feel like everything i do is... WRONG...
i'm too clingy, too needy, require WAY to much time, not affectionate and on top of everything i'm not having sex....
that seriously is way to much to ask anyone to do at my age... 20 year olds are suppose to be finding themseleves, traveling, partying, on a search for who they are... and what am i doing? trying to cuff a 20 year old, attractive african american man... with NO sex. yea i'm pretty much afraid he's going to be done with it soon.. he even said he can't imagine being 22 and not having sex with his girlfriend... boy did that cut deep...
i can't give him what he needs... he needs a woman... that's in touch with that side but still classy and modest to the world. that isn't ashamed of her body and wants to give her man the goods every time she sees him... i feel like that's what he needs and wants me to be.. did i mention the fact i'm not even close to the intelligence he posses.. i'm a "writer" and a "singer" i'm obsessive over artsy things but lazy all the same.. he's focus, driven, intellgent, amazing grades, and all that... honestly what am i even offering him? i'm not even good enough and no ass..... -sigh- should i really expect him to stay? idunno...
i honestly don't even know what i'm doing...
AND to make matters worse his most amazing ex... is honestly nothing i can even compete with... when i hear her name i cringe... she's perfect... they are amazing friends, she was there for him when his dad passed away and she's a actors daughter so they went to plays, and shows together and she exposed him to the things he said he always wanted to do..how the HELL can i compete with someone like that? i can't... i just can't..she's what he wants... and deserves... i can't do anything but just sit back and see what happens..
maybe i should just have this conversation with him but i honestly can't even say half the things i'll write.... i never can say the right thing... ugh..
help please!
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