trust.

trust

   [truhst]

–noun reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

This word is probably one of the most difficult but needed things in any relationship. Weather friendship, companionship or whatever.. It's crazy because I feel like this is the most difficult thing for me to obtain.. Let me be VERY transparent... I trust no one... Well I rarely do.. It's hard for me to put that much reliance, confidence or any of those other words that are used to describe it. I guess after I got my heart broken for the first time in high school... I promised myself I would never put my trust into anyone again...

I WAS WRONG.. because I've constantly made the wrong mistakes and trusted the people that I should not have done so at all and I don't trust the people that I should the most..

BACK WARDS RIGHT.. but maybe that's exactly what I am.. backwards...

I feel weird because I'm not the typical emotional , affectionate girl..

I have a cold hard sometimes and it's because of my past...

I just feel bad because my past has caught up with my future and in a sense has affect every relationship I've tried to have since..

For instance..

I was talking to a guy that went to a different school.. we'll call him JR. And JR was EXACTLY what i wanted.. He called all the time, showed me attention.. caring..sweet..fashionable..FUNNY LOVED GOD!! all around good guy.. Well I couldn't handle the fact that JR was a very very liked guy at his school we'll call it M&A. At M&A he was very popular.. very well known and the ladies.. ALL OVER him! Ask how I know... lol trust me i knew...So i started just second guessing him... Why was he trying to talk to me? Why am I even wasting my time? I just KNEW he was going to give me a reason to not trust him.. He would always say he wanted to talk to ME and wanted to see where we went.. me being so concerned about the girls I thought liked him and worrying about him not calling as much as he did in the summer.. I finally ran him off.. I mean honestly what guy would want to stay around when your always trying to figure him out.. figure out if he's lying when he's honestly being genuine..

I ruined a GOOD thing because I didn't trust him....

And that's not the only story I have but now at this point I realize my mistakes from my past and I try really hard to trust whoever I date or talk to. I promised myself this time around that I wouldn't second guess something unless I had actual proof something was going down..

I think my biggest fear is HEARTBREAK and to avoid it I don't trust, I don't love, I don't get involved.. Because every single time I do.. Another heartbreak...

It's as if the people that I shouldn't trust I give my all..wear my heart on my sleeve and expect them to be trustworthy.. My judgement has been impaired I guess...

After so many times of going back and forth with this that's what I've figured..I'm not a good judger of character... I ALWAYS mess up...

But let me cut to the chase..LADIES.. we need to stop thinking EVERYONE is a dog.. Yes many many maaaaannnyyy guys are dogs..But they all mess up...Doesn't make them a dog.. Sometimes they make mistakes (no i'm not excusing cheating but hear me out) I just feel like if we keep guarding our hearts from the good genuine guys and think EVERYONE has a hidden agenda then we will miss out on a possible great relationship...

Me and my friends always have guy talks and after hearing the heartbreak stories, the cheating stories it causes one to not want to even deal with the opposite sex but i love men too much to give up on everyone..

ONE DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME.....

SIDENOTE! - speaking on trust there is someone that i like... just got in a big huge fight because he doesn't think i trust him..yeah i did it again.. but i kinda feel like idk i just don't wanna get hurt it's soo hard to trust someone.. smh... -SIGHHHHH- idk i can't explain it..

but i'm going to wrap this up i have a ton of work to do..

Talk to you guys later..

-bri